God's grace

I have been slacking in the blog department. So much has gone on in the past few weeks since my last blog posting....so much has gone on even before my last blog entry that remained unsaid.  The sad thing about it all is that in all honesty I haven't been slacking.  I have actually been blogging a lot, and then saving them unpublished never to be seen by anyone else's eyes.  That's the thing with me and blogging...it really is a love/hate relationship.  I love to blog.  I love the freedom of being able to actually put to words what I am feeling or what I am going through, but at the same time words can be taken out of context by readers.  Words can hurt people.  Words can seem like more than just words if written the wrong way, or read the wrong way for that matter.

Things have happened.  I have been sad, I have been hurt, I have cried, and I have learned.  And as I have learned over the past few weeks, it is oftentimes the unsaid that can hurt the most.

Over the past few years I have really learned how to deal with my emotions.  I know how to handle my pain and my heartache for the most part.  I know what helps me to relieve my tension.  Josh, my mom and dad, Jef, Mimi, and Kay Kay...these people generally know everything that is going on in my life.  If I am hurting, they are who I run to.  I don't typically let anyone else in.  That is how I handle things.

My life was really rocky a couple years ago.  I had all six of my confidants by my side (plus one really special Crazy) to talk to, to cry on their shoulders.  Other than that, no one else got in.  I was so close to everyone at work...they knew all of my problems.  They didn't know this.  I needed a place where I could where no one knew.  I needed a place where nobody treated me any differently, nobody handled me with kid gloves.  That is how I handle turmoil.  When I am at home, Josh and I will talk about it or I will call someone to vent.  At work I can act like life is fine.  To me it is sort of like forcing yourself to keep going because no one who doesn't know will cut you any slack.

Life always has it's ups and downs.  With new revelations and new feelings, I know that the next few weeks and months could get kind of hairy.  A lot of good can and will come of this, but it is the bad...the unknown...that scares me.

I guess that's where God's grace comes in.  I can promise you that God is always watching out for me.  As me and Josh were on the way home tonight from visiting friends we passed the church where we got married.  They had just put a new saying up on their billboard.
"Pray: Let God worry about everything else."

My friend, SalPal, is constant source of great advice as well.  Her famous saying is, "if you are going to pray why worry, if you are going to worry why pray".  As I drift off to sleep tonight and every night I will say an extra prayer.  God works in mysterious ways.

It's been awhile

I have been on a hiatus.  A lot of emotions, a lot of feelings, a lot of living has been going on.  That's the thing about internet blogging, I want so badly to use it as the ultimate outlet to express my most private thoughts.  Sadly, such a public media is oftentimes not the right venue for this.  There are things that need to be said and aired out but such will wait for more appropriate timing...or never who knows!

Josh and I made our first journey as a married couple...to my dad's!  What a wonderful weekend.  The drive there...not so much.  The six hour drive started at 7:30 PM as I was getting off from working my EIGHTH day in a row.  Josh had my car packed and loaded with bags, snacks, and dogs when I pulled up...bless him...so we were able to jump right on the open road.  I wanted to try to drive.  I made it to Canton.  That. Was. It.  After that I was out leaving poor Josh to have to manage the worse part of the lonely drive all on his own.  He made it, and we were able to sleep laaaate Friday morning to catch up.  We ate, visited, ate, shopped a little, ate, enjoyed the outdoors, ate....did I mention we ate A LOT?!  It was all in great fun, and we had a blast.  Very relaxing and a nice getaway from reality.

Now it is back to the daily grind.  I am suppose to be cleaning the house today, but blogging seemed so much more tempting.  We are having company in less than a week, so I really must get busy!!  After this company comes and goes, we will have more company...my mom!!  Can't wait for La-La's arrival!  Then Josh and I will be Biloxi bound for a Baker-Smith wedding and an amazing 25th birthday all rolled into one weekend.  We can't wait!!

It's the many trips and visitors that keep us going.  I don't know what we will do once summer ends.  So for now, cleaning awaits...or whatever else I can find to do that will give me a good excuse not to have to clean!

The view from the rearview mirror

     I was at a red light today.  A very long red light that seemed as if it would never change to green.  I was getting impatient, and began to look through my rearview mirror at the car behind me to try and distract myself.  There was a gold Oldsmobile van, an older model, with a handicapped tag hanging from the rearview mirror.  An older man, who had to be in his late 70’s, was driving what appeared to be his wife.  I watched them for a few minutes, studying them.  He had his hands tightly gripped on the steering wheel at promptly 11 and 1.  He watched the red light intently, but I could tell that he and his wife were talking.  It seemed to be just a casual conversation, one that I imagine they have had thousands of times in the course of their, what I am assuming to be, long and fruitful marriage.  He would glance over at her ever so often, but then his eyes went right back to the red light.  His shoulders were slightly slumped over, and he sat much closer to the steering wheel than I felt was necessary.  He only loosened his grip on the steering wheel once to wipe his mouth.  His wife sat in much the same manner with her gaze tightly fixed on that red light.  It was such an ordinary moment in their day, but I felt almost guilty for watching.  As I watched, I imagined what their conversation was like in that van behind me.  I bet they were talking about what they need from the grocery store, I am sure he complimented her on how good her lunch was that she prepared for him with fresh vegetables from the garden that he hand-picked himself, and I think she sat there thinking how full and happy her life has been through all of these years.

            Is that stereotypical of me?  Is it wrong to assume that the couple I secretly watched from the rear view mirror in my car was still madly in love with each other for all of these years?  I mean technically I don’t even know that they are married.  I don’t know that they are happy or that they even have a home to go to.  I long to be right though because I hope to one day be in the same mundane but very happy situation with my own husband many years down the road.  My thoughts were interrupted by the red light finally changing to green.  Now it changes when I am really enjoying myself watching my new friends, who have no clue as to who I am, from behind me.  The “happy couple” followed me most of the way home.  I was grateful because I was able to sneak a few more glances in their direction.  Their stances stayed the same as they traveled.  Finally, I saw him flip his blinker on, and I knew that we must part.  I imagine that now they are at their home.  He is watching TV or reading the newspaper from his recliner.  She is crocheting and thinking about the day.  Maybe it just helps my own feelings to imagine their lives as happy as I hope my own is when I get that age.  Maybe it was just the peaceful appearance they gave off that gave me this calming feeling inside and told me that everything would be all right.  Whatever it was it helped remind me of my goal in life as a new wife.  Be happy, raise a family, do good for others, work hard for everything, love everyone, be kind, and appreciate all of God's gifts.  It is amazing what one couple can do in only a few minutes time, even if they have no idea that they just taught someone one of the best lessons of her life as she drove along in her car.

One month ago today

I don't know exactly where the time went, but somehow it happened.  An entire month has passed since the nuptials.  For thirty days I have been a wife, I have had a husband.  It's strange to think that after all those months of planning here we are one month past it all.  We survived it though, and so far we are surviving married life.

I'm trying to think back over this past month to see what has happened and what lessons have been learned.  After our week of honeymoon bliss, we have really only had three weeks of real life living since the wedding.  In those three weeks we have talked and grown together even more than before.  In three weeks we (and when I say we I mean Josh) have planted our own family are garden and are beginning to see the first fruits of life in it.  In three weeks we have remolded the kitchen and learned that I am highly allergic to sawdust (this knowledge may come in handy if I am ever asked to help clean up after a remolded again).  In three weeks I have learned a tough lesson on life that I will carry with me every day;  a lesson I came home and taught my husband as he was my shoulder to cry on.  In three weeks we have had a happiness that we have never experienced before.  It's just been marriage.  It's just been a month.  And we hope to have many many more happy months like this.  Although we have had some tough issues to work through, we made it through together.  And at the end of the day, that's all that matters.

I don't have any pictures back yet, but I promise they are coming.  We did have an amazing videographer who gave us a small segment of the wedding to share with everyone.  Feel free to relive it with us here.

As for tonight, it's cheers to married life and the hope of peaceful dreams.

The land of the free

I just wrote a blog.  I spent days agonizing over it.  I wanted to word it right.  I wanted it to be special.  It was a blog to honor a fallen solider.  It was blog that gave credit to all of the troops.  It was a blog that I don't think that I can recreate.

USMC Staff Sgt. Jason Rogers was killed in Afghanistan on Thursday, April 7th.  Jason was my step-brother that I never had the chance to meet.  Jason was a husband, a son, a grandson, a nephew, and a friend among many things.  Jason was a U.S. Marine.  He served his country with honor and with pride.  He wanted to be there, he wanted to fight for us...even for strangers like me that he never got to meet.  I have heard my mom and Tracy talk about Jason over and over.  I have heard stories of a man whose character exemplifies that of a true American hero.

And now I find myself stuck in a place where I'm not sure where to go.  I want to reach out to the family, to take away their pain and their grief.  I think about Jason's wife, and as a new wife my heart breaks over and over for her.  I know though that the only thing that can help them is time, prayers, and God.  So for now I am praying.  I am praying for God to wrap his arms around each and every one of them and bring them comfort and strength.

I wanted to end this blog with pictures of Jason that I found on Facebook at his wedding ceremony last August.  I think trying to do that was what caused me to lose this original blog posting though, so I will refrain from that.  Instead I will leave you with the opportunity to read this article that was in Clarion Ledger about Jason and his amazing life.  You can read it here.

Say a special prayer for Jason and all his family and friends tonight and every night.  God bless our troops.

Thanksgiving

Life is crazy.  Married life is no different.  We got married almost three weeks ago.  I am still not completely done unpacking from the honeymoon yet.  I know that's horrible.  I probably shouldn't admit to it, but like I said...life is crazy!  I love it though.

I love my job...even though it can get hectic.  I love having a husband.  I love looking at him and knowing he is my husband.  He still has been sick our entire marriage thus far, but I still love him more than I can express.  I love our little home and our two (four legged) babies (Toby and Beaux).  I love my family and how wonderful and supportive they all are.  I love having a family in Thibodaux with Josh's family and my family from the office.  I love and am so grateful about the fact that we were able to have the absolutely most perfect wedding that was exactly like we wanted, and now we have it all on video so that we can relive it over and over.  I love our friends...old and new.  I love that we have booked our annual trip to Bogue Chitto for Josh's birthday.  It will be a little late this year, but I love that it will be late because of a Baker-Piff wedding that we are SO excited about and have already booked our room for the weekend for!  I love my DVR and the fact that it records the trash that I am addicted to (i.e. Sister Wives and Teen Mom 2 just to name a few).  Staying up late, having days off during the week, and a new Dugas family garden outside....I love it all.

I was feeling really thankful tonight.  Also I was feeling really sorry for myself because I was stalking someone on facebook looking at someone with really cute hair and wishing mine would do that and knowing it never would, SOOO I decided to focus on what all I do have!  I still don't have that wild and crazy curly hair I was wishing for a few minutes ago, but I am happier now realizing what all I do have!

Now it is bedtime which brings me to something that I am definitely thankful for every single night...I am so thankful to be working dayshift so that I am able to go to bed at night like a normal person!  Good night world!

Weekend where have you gone?

Wednesday was my first day back at work since all of the wedding festivities.  It had been almost two weeks since the last time I worked.  I love my job and am so thankful to have it especially in this tough job market, but it was hard to go back to work Wednesday.  It was probably my toughest week ever.  Wednesday was bad because it was the first day back.  I am a very new nurse.  I just came out of orientation about a week before the wedding.  When I left for the wedding/honeymoon, I still wasn't even taking a full load of patients.  I came back after a two week hiatus, and automatically I had a full load...plus we had just gotten some new equipment on the floor my last day that I had to re-familarize myself with as well.   But it was ok.  Wednesday was a very trying day, but it had to happen.  I had to get myself back into the swing of things.  It took the whole day, but by the end of the day I had it.

Now it is my weekend off, and I am trying to enjoy it to the fullest with my husband.  Sadly, he has been sick our entire marriage thus far.  He seems to be rounding the corner and coming to the end of his illness.  I think I may have caught it though.   That of course would be our luck.  We haven't slept well the whole marriage.  It has been because of Josh's coughing for the most part.  Last night, he didn't cough all night, but I couldn't sleep because I kept having to wake up to blow my nose.  Married life doesn't seem to be agreeing with us at this point, but we are going to kick this and move on from here.

We planted our Dugas family garden.  Josh did actually.  We hope it produces some good vegetables for us.  We shall see.  Also, a test copy of our wedding DVD came in yesterday.  Hilarious. Also interesting to see all the things we missed throughout the ceremony and reception.  Priceless!  My next task is to attempt to put a few exerts on YouTube so that I can share them.  We probably have a better chance with the garden, but we will see how the process goes.

Crawfish boil tomorrow and we couldn't be more excited.  I'm still trying to figure out where our weekend has gone though!